so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wish there were birth control emojis
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
