Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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