her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
