There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I can't turn off my feet"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
