Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
