3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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