Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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