Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
