you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
