Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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