I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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