Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
