Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
