Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
