dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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