Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
