her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
