I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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