i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
