I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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