After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
