God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
