you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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