Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
