I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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