I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
