I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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