question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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