Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
