i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize