What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
