When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
