I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
