I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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