Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
