STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
