So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you had me at cake vodka
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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