i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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