do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
