3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
