i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
