I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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