you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
