I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
