Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
