$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
