i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Drunk is not a location!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize