Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
