ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
