My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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