is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
