with your own penis?
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
how do flat chested girls get laid?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
