I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
