I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
