if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
