I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
