I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
