i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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