not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
