It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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