apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
