You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
